How Justin Beat Anxiety

Anxiety always came natural to me. In fact for many years I thought being anxious was normal, I didn’t necessarily label it anxious, I thought racing thoughts, shortness of breath, restless legs, shallow sleep, inability to focus and concentrate and social queasiness was just the norm. That was just how I was, what a relief to know it’s not and that was a way of life I fell into because of many years of not really knowing how to identify, tackle and lower anxiety. This is about How I Beat Anxiety. And believe me I’ve gone through shitloads of anxiety and come out the other end, breathing deeply and standing tall-ley.

In my story documented in How I Beat Depression I spoke of childhood influences and experiences, feeling the loner, on the outside and not part of things/groups/social circles even family at times. Feeling intensely self-conscious seemed to be something I remember vividly, being so self-conscious really seemed to drag me away from experiencing the moment and catapulted me into a dreadful state of always analysing and being aloof from the moment and pure enjoyable experiences. It wasn’t all doom and gloom, I have genuinely positive experiences of growing up but it was always punctuated with a sense of a subtle growing terror in my mind which began to grow and grow. I really started to worry a lot, especially when entering junior school. The structure and formation of schools terrified me, not knowing how to fit in and how to develop my own voice within this environment began to plague my mind, being quite socially awkward didn’t help, I just really struggled in social situations I didn’t know how nurture and develop friendship, again this is attributable to being unable to live in the moment and experience moment without analysing them or feeling them properly and going through and touching the full range of proper emotion.

I didn’t really develop healthy outlets to get out energy either. I was an introvert, attracted to my own imagination to an unhealthy degree. Loving nerdy things a little too much – solitariness, video games, movies and so on. I hated playing sports and just plain hated exercise of all types. This kinds anti-social stance grew and grew, I really struggled to get a healthy balance.

Things seemed manageable, or at least containable until around university when I started to realise things were beginning to get noticeably bad. I started to focus on different types of bodily symptoms and began to become aware of really stark social phobia. The worst and most noticeable moments would be an absolute razor blade in the stomach feeling when encountering a the sound of a large crowd speaking, on approach to social gatherings these was unbearable and often precipitated a night of deep discomfort (and often vomit at some stage), I felt very out-of-control in these situations of course in vain attempts to regain control I felt that I needed to blend in or calm my nerves by drinking a lot, this would often have bad repercussions as I had a terribly weak stomach and could barely hold down a couple of drinks. These situations just went on and on and I really grew to hate social situations and started to consciously avoid them.

Things just got systematically worse, I eventually went out of the workforce for around 18 months in 2003-2004 during which time my panic attacks grew and grew. For those going through them I understand, panic attacks are death, that’s what they feel like impending death crouching on your shoulder whispering words of doom and dread. Panic attacks were normally in reaction to a circumstance but the more I isolated and avoided situations I began to experience them at home and without warning, this was getting truly terrifying, the prisoner in the body is the best description. I didn’t really trust anyone or anything and now on top of this I seemed ridiculously alienated and captive to my body and mind. The panic attacks seemed to be all about control,  I started fixating on my breathing when it became shallower and then became obsessed with getting a heart attack and falling into unconsciousness, this was a huge fear for me, I was simply petrified about becoming unconscious and how that would make me lot – returning to the problem of acute self-consciousness. On top of the panic attacks sleep was awful, I would wake out of nightmares frequently and couldn’t get over the fear of being terrorized.

I went through a very hard time in 2004, my anxiety levels were though the roof. I would get insomnia and not be able to sleep for days on end, sometimes just managing 1-2 hours a night, this coincided with deep depression too. My mind was racing furiously and I could not stop ruminating. I was like a caged animal. I eventually sought psychiatric intervention and went on a course Avanza for depression, one of its side effects being an anti-anxiety medication. This at the time was extremely helpful as it enabled me for the first time in months to get proper sleep, sound blissful deep sleep entailed and I started to believe I was at least able to start some systematic and targeted activities designed to improve my capacity to manage stress and anxiety.

So the, how the hell did I beat Anxiety?

Slowly. slowly. I began to do a lot of meditation over a period of a year and a half. The practice was Yoga Nidra and the aim was deep sleep whilst remaining conscious. I tell ya what meditation was sooooooooo helpful. At first it was seriously terrifying, my body wasn’t used to settling into deep-seated relaxation and  resisted the push furiously but slowly, slowly after doing about an hour a day I started to notice and amazing difference. I was generally sleeping and breathing much better and generally felt lighter and paradoxically more in control. This is no secret, breathing is always the key. Anxiety disorder are in many cases breathing disorders and it was certainly the case. I began to really love meditation and looked forward to it, my meditation were 50 minutes long, many times when I chat to people that think 50 mins of nothingness is a complete waste of time and simply too long, but meditation actually in a way magnifies time and enables you to get more done in so many areas of your life, it’s an investment which pays serious dividends.

I also found faith during this time and became a committed Christian. Needless to say there is plenty of biblical wisdom which serves to challenge people to put anxiety aside by casting burdens and fears on the back of Jesus. In my experience this worked, God is willing and able to take the fear. An active prayer life and communion with God really has helped me reduce my anxiety to a great degree. In many instanced in the Bible reflecting on nature and the power and majesty of creation was a key skill in gaining a proper perspective of one’s position in life and in my case that was true, it challenged me to be more out-doorsy and come to realise and appreciate my ‘smallness’ in the world and accept and succumb to larger forces which will always be larger than me. Being comfortable with that really helped me decentralise from some warped and irregular thinking and feeling and allowed me to be more at peace, more attuned and in sync with the rhythms of life.

The healing process wasn’t easy and tonnes of setbacks were always present. It really was incremental. Support groups (GROW) really helped me regain focus and belief when I was backsliding. Moving back into employment was done via casual work which was gentle and again incremental. I was slowly learning how to take care of myself and started to feel part of things, I was going somewhere I had purpose and direction. I cannot underscore how good I was beginning to feel, I never felt so assured, so grounded in my life. I was planted roots and they were growing and it was really a beautiful and glorious time.  Anxiety robs people of genuine life and relationships, it really fashions shells of people entrapped and paralysed. One of the key ways I beat anxiety was often forcing myself to attend social functions and speak up, even though doing so would feel so scary, wrong or inauthentic. I just had to counter all those fears and face them. I needed to do these things one a week. At first it started simply – make telephone calls to people. When I really was shut off form the world I had begun defending myself and avoiding normal and healthy activities which would make me well, I remember being challenged to take the initiative and start phoning people. I was terrified! What would they say, how could I control the conversation, what if they were smarted than me, where will the conversation go (these were the types of thoughts floating around my head, control freak anyone!) and yes those first calls were hard but slowly and surely they built confidence and instilled this belief I needed to do these activities in order to aim to be an ordinary human being.I ensured I would step out of my comfort zone at least once a week. I also paid attention to diet and was eating at least three pieces of fruit per day (not sure why three it just seemed like a good number)

It all just went uphill from there I stopped having anxiety attacks in 2008 and have not had one in now three years – woo. I have worked full time since 2007 and now happily married and living in Sydney I’m about to embark on a 2 year overseas trip which will continue to press and broaden my horizons. I really don’t get severe anxiety anymore, I still get really tense and a but stressy during the say but there are plenty of outlets now, gym being one of them I go to the gym religiously three times a week. I continue to meditate when possible, but it’s a little harder when responsibilities are much greater. I encourage you to never give up, so matter how large your problem seems it is beatable with the right supports around you and sometimes it really starts with just forming the belief you can get better. Like in many cases of depression, hopelessness is a big part of being stuck for ages, needing to believe you can and will get better precipitates all genuine recoveries.

All the best,

Justin

Image via Wikipedia

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